Tuesday, January 7, 2014

My Truth - On Relapse, Recovery and Getting Out Of My Own Way

For many, if not most, of the people in my day-to-day life I am the only alcoholic - at least self-admitted alcoholic - they know.

Or, perhaps more accurately, I am the only alcoholic in recovery they know. Over half the population in the United States has been directly or indirectly impacted by addiction, and many people are familiar only with the ugly, destructive face of alcoholism; the one that rips apart families, destroys childhoods and brings so much sorrow and fear.

In 2008 I decided to start blogging about my journey in recovery.  It's the truth that I never thought many people would read it.  I wrote it for myself, to stay close to my truth, to heal the woman that drank her feelings away for so long.  As I healed and met so many incredible recovering people, and so many suffering people, it became clear to me that the stigma of addiction - the shame - keeps far too many people stuck and alone.

I also realized that I never met one single person who was ashamed of their recovery.

This was the spark behind why I continued to write about my journey, why I started the non-profit Shining Strong  and why I have been so determined, for as long as I have been on this path, to bring voices together in honesty and truth to break through this stigma and shame.  Recovering people are nothing short of amazing.  They have stared their own demons dead in the face, put down the substance that numbed the fear and learned how to embrace their frailties, their vulnerabilities - their own humanity- in ways you don't see often in this fast-paced, shiny, perfection-driven world.

I was truly humbled and proud (turns out those emotions can cohabitate) to be one of the pioneering women online who were sharing their experience, strength and hope to heal themselves and let the struggling alcoholic know she's not alone.

My war cry was that I would continue to write until it no longer helped me and then I would step down.

Here's the thing about a war cry:  it implies that you're in battle.  In my case more like a crusade.  It is nearly impossible to ride out in front on a white horse waving the flag for a mission you believe strongly in and not lose yourself in the process.

I lost myself.

The past two years have been difficult.  Losing my Dad so suddenly followed quickly by my cancer diagnosis were a one-two punch that I never fully recovered from, although I was the last one to figure this out.

Instead of doing some hard work and facing the grief, anxiety, depression and PTSD that was growing worse, I threw myself into work, into the cause, into helping others...  into anything that took me out of myself.

To me and the rest of the world I seemed very, very busy but content.  Every now and then a good friend would say "are you doing too much?" and I would say that I am doing a lot but that I love everything I'm doing and couldn't imagine giving up anything.  I was so convincing because I believed this myself.

Slowly but surely the foundation of self-care and recovery I had built for myself began to erode.  I stopped going to cancer support groups.  I stopped yoga.  And eventually I stopped recovery meetings.  When asked about this my reply was invariably:  "I speak to dozens of people in recovery every day! I'm fine!"

I wasn't working my own program of recovery, though.

There were signs.  Insomnia. Panic attacks.  Exhaustion that led to sleeping at odd times of the day.  Recurring nightmares.  Bouts of fear so crippling I could barely breathe. Crying jags I couldn't stop.

If anyone peered too closely at me, inquired as to whether I was okay, I would admit to some of the things that were happening, but deliver this information all wrapped up in a nice little package with a proverbial bow on it, implying that because I was aware of these problems that I was fine, that I had a handle on everything.

I informed people, but I didn't ask for help.  The truth is I didn't know how badly off I was.

I'm scrappy.  I have always lived by the motto "when the going gets tough, the tough get going".  It works really well for me in many areas of my life... including cancer. To get through cancer treatments you have to be a fighter.

Recovery, however, is not about fighting.  It's about daily surrender.  It's about having the courage to be vulnerable, to sit with hard feelings, to tackle hardships as they arise because anything that festers in an recovering alcoholic's brain can lead to a drink.

I stopped surrendering.  I tucked my chin and squared my shoulders and I ran.  I ran as hard and as fast as I could, hoping (without even consciously knowing this) that I could outfox fear through sheer determination.

This is the biggest mistake an alcoholic can make because I can't think my way out of a feeling.  I can't distract myself from it through any means - including workaholism.  The thing about workaholism is it looks healthy from the outside.  Our society rewards the over-worked and exhausted

Without a program of recovery, without asking for help, without offering the same love I give others so freely to myself I ended up a shell of a person ... full of fear and sadness for all the un-dealt-with things.

I was in so much emotional pain that I relapsed.   I didn't think I could drink in safety; I knew I couldn't. I just wanted the pain to stop. I didn't call anyone.  I didn't ask for help.  I didn't get honest.  I curled up into a ball and gave up.

It took me down fast, and it took me down hard.  It lasted one week - in November - and I ended up in treatment for 30 days.

I would love to say I went gracefully and willingly.  I didn't.  I was so full of shame and misguided pride that I wanted desperately to stop without having to go away.

My family and friends did the only thing they could do:  they told me to go get help or to get out.  They saved my life, because it fanned that tiny little flame in me - my recovery pilot light - that told me I deserve to be well. It overcame the self-destructive shame just long enough for me to surrender and accept help.  They loved me when I couldn't love myself.

Back to my original statement - that I am, in many cases, the only recovering person (at least the only public one) people know.  Most of the people in my day-to-day life have never seen the addict that rages in me. Not even my children, who were very young when I first got sober. Not most of my friends, because I kept her carefully hidden away for so many years.

This time, though. she came out. My family and friends saw the face of alcoholism. It's not pretty.

And this time. my disease tells me, I should have known better.  I forget all the compassion and love I give others who relapse. Self-centered fear of rejection and judgment takes over and I hate myself.  Shame comes over me like a tidal wave, and I start to drown.

My world is reduced to two choices:  ask for help and live, or curl up in shame and drown.

I chose life.

This is the hardest thing I have ever done.  Harder than cancer, because it involves surrender and so, so much shame.  In order to live I have to stare this shame (and fear) in the face every single day and that makes me feel very. very vulnerable.

I feel judged.  I know the people in my town  - most of them at least - are aware of what happened (if they weren't they are now!).   Suddenly I don't want to be the face of recovery anymore.  I want to disappear.  I want to pull a cloak of invisibility over my shame and pretend nothing happened.  Everyone I see I think: "do they know?"   That's my precious ego rearing its ugly head; the very-much-human part of me that is so scared of not being liked or respected.

But I didn't come this far to shut up now.  This relapse - as painful and humiliating as it is - is part of my journey. It is part of my Recovery Story because - Thank GOD - I am still in recovery.  I made it back, not because of my own will but in spite of it.  I got back to recovery through the love of others, and for this I will always be grateful.

I have a lot of hard work to do.  I am in the process of figuring out where writing fits into my life now.  I put my whole life into the very, very capable hands of other recovering women who are running Shining Strong while I sort myself out.  I put my jewelry businesses on hold.

Recovery is  full time job.  I have a lot of changes to make, but I am taking in one day at a time.  I don't have any set notion of how my life should be anymore.  I am doing my best and letting go of the outcome.  I surrender, and get out of my own way.

I have started and stopped this post dozens of times. I sought counsel from others in recovery about whether I wanted to - or even should - write anything about it.

Every day I am healing a little more. growing stronger.  I pray every day - at least twice a day - and ask for openness, honesty, willingness and gratitude.  I pray for forgiveness from others and from myself.  I pray for the release from the bondage of self-centered fear.  I ask for guidance, and for God's will - not mine - to be done.

I embrace my humanity - that trembling scared little girl that never feels like a grown-up - and I tell her I love her.

I am telling myself that I'm worth it, even if I don't always feel that in my heart.  I am trying to give myself the same gift of compassion I would give to anyone I know who relapses.

Shame and guilt are not the same thing. Guilt says "I did a bad thing".  Shame says "I am a bad person".

I have done things I feel guilty about. and for those I will make amends when I'm stronger. I am not a bad person.  I made poor choices, and I will face the consequences of those choices.

If there is one thing I want my kids to learn about life it is that it is not our mistakes that define us. It's how we deal with them that matters.  Shame is a killer of dreams, of hope, of self-esteem, of love.

I am a woman in recovery, and I am not ashamed of that.  Not one bit.

Ironically, I am turning to the message of Shining Strong for help.  I watch this video we published exactly one year ago today, and see my kids holding signs that say "Your Voice Matters" and I want to believe that not just in my head, but in my heart:


70 comments:

  1. Ellie - Thank you for being so honest about what you've been going through. As someone who is in very much the same place (in recovery but super busy with other things, albeit good things), I thank you for reminding me that my surrender to my recovery must come first, EVERY DAY. There is no shame in your journey, for it's YOUR journey. God has a plan for you, and uses everything for His good. Bless you, sweet Ellie. Thank you for all that you. And may you continue to work on you, your greatest work yet.

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    1. This is my testimony about the good work of a man who helped me....My name is maria cooker ... My life is back!!! After 8 years of marriage, my husband left me and left me with our three kids. I felt like my life was about to end, and was falling apart. Thanks to a spell caster called papa ork who i met online. On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet, I was searching for a good spell caster that can solve my problems. I came across series of testimonies about this particular spell caster. Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he restores womb, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and so on. There was one particular testimony I saw, it was about a woman called grace,she testified about how papa ork brought back her Ex lover in less than 72 hours and at the end of her testimony she drop papa ork e-mail address. After reading all these,I decided to give papa a try. I contacted him via email and explained my problem to him. In just 3 days, my husband came back to me. We solved our issues, and we are even happier than before. papa ork is really a talented and gifted man and i will not to stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man...If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve that problem for you. Try the great papa ork today, he might be the answer to your problem. Here's his contact: orkstarspell@gmail.com Thank you great ork. Contact him for the following:

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  2. And it does, Ellie, your voice does matter. Thanks for sharing this with bravery and vulnerability. Love you.

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  3. Ellie,
    I'm blown away by your wisdom, your courage, your openness, your humanity. I am so, so grateful that you shared this here. Sending so much love. xox

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  4. Oh Ellie, you are worth it! Thank you for a courageous and honest message. I thnk many of us, in recovery or not, have something to surrender.

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  5. I am so proud of you. I think this post is amazing, and I understand it so much more than you know. I understand the busy, busy, busy and the focusing on helping other people and not so much on taking care of your own self. SO MUCH. I know how much courage this took, especially as someone who has been a "face of recovery." And yet, I think this just reflects exactly how insidious alcoholism is. Which is exactly what people need to know. Sending you so much love.

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  6. It's so hard to not wonder about being judged. But we have to remember that if people are judging, it's out of fear of their own weakness and what we're ALL capable of....I hope that makes sense.

    You are so loved. xoxo

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  7. Thank you for your words, I know it take courage, lots of courage. I am hoping to find mine ~hugs~

    Brook

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  8. Love you, Ellie. You're brave and strong and I'm so happy you're being honest about your recovery, all of it.

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  9. Sending you love and wishing you peace.

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  10. And know this--unequivocally and 100%--YOU ARE WORTH IT.

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  11. Thank you Ellie.
    I needed to read this.

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  12. It's because you share your journey - all of it - that you've helped so many people. It's OK to be tired, and unsure, and struggling. I thank you for sharing that part of recovery - and humanity - with us, too. I'm proud to know you.

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  13. Oh Ellie. You do not have to be the "face of recovery" and we are all here supporting you and thanking you for your honesty. I know for myself, the two relapses I've had were a result of feeling like it was "too much work" to keep going. So that's my red flag too. Surrender isn't work. We can't think, read, talk, work our way around the fact that all we all have is a daily reprieve from this disease. Letting go is harder than hanging on, but it's so much better! <3

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  14. My dear, brave friend. We do together what we can't do alone! I am so incredibly proud of you and so blessed to have you in my life. Some words that you shared with my family, "You can't unlearn what you've learned." So very true. xoxoxo

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  15. Thank you, Ellie. There had been something about the tone of your writing in the last few months that made me think something was going on. I am so much like you in that I've had my own periods of trying to get away from doing the hard, scary work on myself. The program, my friends and my HP have always helped me find my way back - sometimes kicking and screaming - to me. Bless you. You are not alone.

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  16. You are so so brave and strong for writing this AND hitting publish. Both of which must have been difficult. But how can you tell your story unless you tell this part of your story? This is probably the part people need to hear most.

    Thank you for sharing.

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  17. Ellie,
    Wow. I could have written this post myself. I ended up not relapsing, but just a few months ago I found myself in almost your exact place. My workaholism was out of control. I was promoting my recovery memoir, blogging, and doing freelance work and seeing sponsees and trying hard to do it all well. One day, I realized I was living in Survival Mode--as a way of life. The only thing I could quit, as I saw it, was my blog. So I did for a while. It's been months since I posted. In the meantime, I have struggled with panic, fear, and lack of direction. I've felt sick of recovery, tired of my own story, tired even of trying to help others. Not long ago, I have never ever felt so close to relapse or so afraid for myself. I had a series of relapse nightmares. I actually told my husband Dave, "I promise if I drink I'll tell you." Scary. I still am not positive I'm in a totally safe place. I am SO grateful that a friend alerted me to this post! I haven't been reading many lately. I have long admired you, Ellie. I am SO grateful that you wrote this post. I have been writing an article this morning that I agreed to a long time ago and was just trying to describe how flattened my pride was when I got sober. And now I realize that this squashing of pride and this humble state of reliance and willingness to ask for help is an ongoing necessity. It's not how we begin but how we stay. I am going to print your post and read it every morning for a while. I don't want to be overdramatic, but your honesty just might have saved me a relapse. And of course, I read your story and realize that a relapse isn't the worst thing that can happen to me. Forgetting that I'm vulnerable and weak--but still terminally precious to God in any state--is what I need to worry about. And letting go of striving and achieving and impressing the world is the only way I can ever help it an iota. Thank you, thank you, Ellie. I'll be praying for you and in my mind you are more qualified than ever to talk about recovery. Hugs. Heather Kopp

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  18. You are officially the bravest woman I know. To share this with everyone (and I mean everyone) and to bare your soul in the hopes you might help yourself but help others in the process is the single most selfless thing I've ever seen. Whether you believe it or not.

    And rest assured you've helped a lot of people today. Not only those of us who sit smugly in our recovery and think we are immune from relapse but also for those who have relapsed and sit in shame.

    Now let us be here for you. Write yourself silly. Pour it all out on a page and let the sober blogging community share and help and love you until you can love yourself again.

    Thanks you and please, give yourself a break, you are only human.

    Sherry

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  19. Dear Ellie, I love you. *HUG*

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  20. I cannot tell you how much your writing and your Bubble Hour podcasts have helped me, reassured me, inspired me and given me hope. There is no reason for shame, you are incredibly courageous and even with a slip, still an inspiration and role model. Please feel the love and support of all who read and listen to you. Love yourself and care for yourself.

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  21. Ellie~ You are so strong and beautiful. Thank you for being so open and honest about your recovery. It is a honor to read your words and gives us all hope. If I lived in your town I would give you a smile, a hug and say what can I do for you now?

    Your in my thoughts & prayers~
    B.

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  22. Oh Ellie. Ellie. I love you. You are so brave. xo

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  23. Your words help me so much. Thank you for your honesty.

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  24. Ellie, Thank you so much for sharing. I've missed your voice! You can do this, and you are worth it! I've followed your story since the "Damomma" days. Saying a prayer for you right now.

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  25. Thank you for your honesty... I am the daughter of a recovering alcoholic (my dad) and a dead alcoholic (my mom; she committed suicide when I was sick, coroner listed alcoholism as a contributing factor b/c the psych meds she took wouldn't have killed a normal person, but her liver couldn't handle them.) I am glad you are back in recovery. My dad has been sober since I was 7 years old (he didn't want to have his two kids orphans) but reminds us often he is only one drink away from being back where he was!

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  26. Correction above--- my mom died when I was SIX, not sick. :)

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  27. Thanks for sharing Ellie. Take care of yourself. You don't have to be the leader of all women in recovery. Let the penguins surround you with love. Be well.

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  28. Thank you Ellie. Take care of yourself and care for yourself as you have others.

    You deserve the best. My thoughts and prayers and thanks are for you!

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  29. Thank you so much for this post. You woke me up to what needs to be done in myself. You are so generous to reach out to those of us who thought we can never be as strong as you. We are all in this together. We need one another. God bless you, Ellie.

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  30. Welcome back. One day at a time. Hugs.

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  31. Ellie, I don't know the strength it took to write this post and then hit publish too--incredibly brave and generous. The comments testify to the important work you are doing-no matter where on the recovery spectrum you are. Honesty is all we really have as currency to spend during our lifetime. We tell our truths and hope that in some way we are giving back to the universe which birthed and reared us.

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  32. So glad to see you are back. I know I don't know you, but I miss your voice when your blog is silent. I'm glad you are doing what you need to get better. Sending much love and hugs your way.

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  34. Sweet Ellie
    When I hadn't seen a post in so long I was worried about you because I know how fragile recovery can be, even after years of 'success.' I am so glad you were able to get help and are piecing your sobriety back together again. Take it easy on yourself, friend. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. I wish more people were strong enough to accept help as you have. LOVE.

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  35. Thank you for writing this post, Ellie. Happy to see you back here on your blog, and awed by your bravery. Sending hugs.

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  36. I have missed your writing. Thank you for writing now and being brave enough to share your story. Your honesty is so inspiring. I hope you'll continue to share your story through this blog.

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  37. Your post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so much for your honesty. Take care of yourself.

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  38. Your posts helped me enormously 16 months ago when I was struggling to get sober. My alcoholism had consumed my life for too many years to count but I knew that AA was not the place for me so I looked to the online community for help and support and found your blog. You are a brave, amazing person and truly deserve all of the happiness in the world. Be kind to yourself and take care

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  39. Your words have always been so healing for me. My sobriety date is 3-29-2012. I did not use AA - I used you and your words - and I leaned on my family and faith. I'm 57 - and have drank on and off most of my life. Alcohol gripped me good and almost took me down. This past year I've lost my son-in-law (and almost my daughter) to a horrific car accident. Two weeks later my father passed away. Then one month later my husbands 102 yr old Memas passed. I have not had any alcohol and I'm doing nothing but cleaning, cooking and reading. I'm trying to heal myself again. I've never felt pain like this before ( my mother passed suddenl

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  40. Sorry - my mother passed in 2001 and I've fdrank thru most of the pain). I pray that you can find peace again. Being in recovery is the hardest thing I've ever done and I don't think we give ourselves enough credit for it. I pat myself on the back daily - I deserve it dang it!! Take care Ellie and know that they're are a lot of people pulling for you!!

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  41. Ellie,
    You are an amazing woman, you help so many people even when you are struggling yourself. I love you for that!!

    Kim B from CT

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  42. Ellie, there are no words, but I'll try. I found your blog and the "bubble" a few months ago, and as I write this, I am struggling to find lasting sobriety. Please know that you do not have to be the "face" of anything, or a role model for anyone. Just be you, that's what has drawn me to you. Please be gentle with yourself, we are all on this road together. I think you are the most courageous woman, I would never have the courage to speak out like you have. You are helping us all, even strangers like me, just by being you, by being human, by being pretty wonderful as far as I can tell! Sending love and hugs to you.

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  43. Ellie - you are so, so brave and such an inspiration to so, so many. I read this post following the one you wrote, today, on fear. As someone who has worked with addicts, alcoholics and their families for over a decade, your sharing your own experiences is sure to help others immeasurably. Thank you.

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  44. Love and fellowship to you Ellie. Always. Sending so much love. xxx

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  45. What a heartfelt post this was, Elle. Know that you are not alone, that we are all human and that sometimes life just happens. I am so touched by your courage and determination to regroup and let the true you shine through once again. You are helping many in more ways than you know! Hugs.

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  46. I love your voice- literally and literally. I've been reading your blog for years, knowing that I have an alcohol problem. Your posts have been a salve to many self inflicted wounds. Thinking of you and your family- you have this. Go with God and everything else that helps.

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  47. I commented before in an old relapse post. I wonder if what you are doing is helping? You are a very smart woman, and 12 step recovery is not for everyone. I find it simplistic, and it ever worked for me. I used WFS for my first 3 years, and now I am working on pretty heavy spiritual things with a therapist/spiritual guide kind of guy. Finding my "soul," my divinity, if you will, in a no religious sense. Understanding that my recovery was a singular journey, that a group couldn't help me. I was determined to not substitute one addiction for another.
    What works for me? Art. Music. Mediation. A great, spiritual therapist. The decision that I would never drink again. And time. I took a sabbatical from work to do this gut-wrenching work of learning who and what I really am. Great books are helping. Not recovery books: those bore me to tears. Books by Thomas Moore, like "Dark Nights of the Soul," and "care of the Soul." They are not religious, but they are deeply spiritual. Books by the Irish philosopher John O'Donohue. Eckhart Tolle's work The Power of Now, in which he explains that we are not out thoughts. They lie to us all of the time.

    And time, Ellie. Time to think. You did a lot in sobriety, as did I. Work, my teenagers, art, my side business, busy, busy, busy. Now, my time to think and create is sacred. Something to ponder.
    Peace,
    Nancy

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  48. Amazing post, thank you. You are an amazing inspiration to us all...please do not forget the gift that you give to us all. I am so glad that you were encouraged to write this post. I know it has brought comfort to so many.

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  49. HOW MY RELATIONSHIP WAS SAVED BY DR BRAVE!!!

    Hello to every one out here,Am Wendy Dueck, from United States am here to shear my the unexpected miracle that has happen to me few days ago, I came across a post online talking about how she got her ex back to her with the help of the great spell caster who happens to be high DR BRAVE, that he helped her though i never believe this because i was just wondering how could this be, but i gave my self a hope and i contact the spell caster. this is the unbelievable that has happened to me this February I was happily married and we had three kids, we lived together as one because we both loved each other but before i knew it, my husband started acting funny and cheating on me later on, he told me that he cannot continue with me so that was how he left me and my three kids without noting but there was noting i could do to stop him or bring him back to me I work so had to pay the children's schools fee and other responsibility i did this for good five years. I cry all day and night because i don't know what else to do to have my husband back to me until this faithful day i saw the post from on one site a woman testifying how the high priest helped her to get her ex back I just wanted to try my luck because i never believe it will work but to my greatest surprise, am singing a new song i contacted the great priest on 7 of February and he told me not to worry because once he finish caster the spell, that i will get my husband back the unbelievable happened on Friday when i got a call and I was surprise to hear my husbands voice apologizing to me that he is so sorry for keeping alone and came back home and we are happy together again wow, i really appreciate your good work great DR BRAVE, God bless you and your good work for there noting else i can say than to tell the world about you. So if any one is out here seeing this post and you have similar issue like this, worry no more and contact the only man that can help you this email:bravespellcaster@gmail.com

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  50. I AM Dora Sandy i want to give thanks and i will always give thanks to Priest ina who brought back my divorce husband that has left me for 6years within 48hours,i have said about this last week but i promised to always tell people about this every weekend so that those that did not read about it last week will read about it this week,i have been looking for how to get pregnant and how to get my divorce husband back to my life because i love him with the whole of my heart,i could not replace him with any body,one day i was watching my television when i saw a lady giving thanks to priest ina and telling the world how he helped her i was so shocked i could not believe it because i never taught that there are powers that can bring back lost marriage,then that was how i decided to contact him too because i do really need my divorce husband back,when i contacted him i told him everything and he told me not to worry that my divorce husband will surely be back to me, within 48hours at first i could not believe because i was thinking how could somebody that has gone for 6years come back within 48 hours,so then i decided to watch and see,unbelievable within the next 48hours i got a call from unknown number so i pick the call the next thing i could hear was my husbands voice he was pleading and begging me on the phone that i should forgive him that i should forget all that have happened that he did not know what came over him,he promised not to leave for any reason,that he was really sorry for what he did,i was so surprised because i never believed that this could happen,so that was how i accepted his apology and the next morning he came back home to meet me and still pleading for me to forgive him i told him that everything is okay that i have forgiven him,that was how we started again and he has Chang,i promised to say this testimony in radio station,commenting this testimony that now am pregnant,but still okay before this month runs out i promise to say this in radio station and i will sir, thank you very much.World please am begging you people to try and help me thank this man for me,or if you need his help here is his email address prophetoyinbojesus@yahoo.com or you can also reach him through his mobile number,+2348074066640


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  51. Hi, my name is Connie Hammer. I have been in great bondage for almost 2 years suffering in the hands of a cheating husband,we were happy and leaving well until he meant his old time girl friend and he started dating her outside our marriage before you knew it he stoped caring and taking care of his own family it was to the extent that he was planning to get married to her and divorce me his own wife, i have cried and reported him to his family but he never listened to any one but to cut my story short i came in search for a real spell caster who could destroy their relationship and make him come back to me and our 2 kids on my search i saw people making testimony on how their marriage where restored by Esango Priest i pick his email and i narrated my story to him and he agreed to help me and after performing a spell on the second day both had a quarrel and he beat his girlfriend up and he came home begging for i and my little kids to forgive him that his eyes are clear now that he will never do any thing that will hurt his family again and promise to be a caring father and never cheat again.I am so so happy that i did not loose him to the girl. all appreciation goes to Esango Priest for you are a Great spell caster and to whom this may concern if you have a cheating husband or wife or you need your ex lover back again. you can as well email him on (esangopriest@hotmail.com or esangopriest@gmail.com) or you can call him +2347089985067.

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  52. This is my testimony about the good work of a man who helped me....My name is joy mark ... My life is back!!! After 8 years of marriage, my husband left me and left me with our three kids. I felt like my life was about to end, and was falling apart. Thanks to a spell caster called DOCKY BABA who i met online. On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet, I was searching for a good spell caster that can solve my problems. I came across series of testimonies about this particular spell caster. Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he restores womb, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and so on. There was one particular testimony I saw, it was about a woman called SARAH,she testified about how DOCKY BABA brought back her Ex lover in less than 48 hours and at the end of her testimony she drop DOCKY BABA e-mail address. After reading all these,I decided to give DOCKY BABA a try. I contacted him via email and explained my problem to him. In just 2 days, my husband came back to me. We solved our issues, and we are even happier than before. DOCKY BABA is really a talented and gifted man and i will stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man...If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve that problem for you. Try the great DOCKY BABA today, he might be the answer to your problem. Here's his contact:dockybabaspellcaster@hotmail.com Thank you great DOCKY BABA. Contact him for the following: (1)If you want your ex back. (2) if you always have bad dreams. (3)You want to be promoted in your office. (4)You want women/men to run after you. (5)If you want a child. (6)[You want to be rich. (7)You want to tie your husband/wife to be yours forever. (8)If you need financial assistance. (9)Herbal care 10)Help bringing people out of prison Contact him today:dockybabaspellcaster@hotmail.com..........

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  53. He brought back my ex,

    my name is Paul Gregg from America,i had a problem with my wife sometimes ago but never knew what the problem was,i tried to asked her but she refused to tell me what it was as time goes on i discovered she was having an affair with a friend of mine that happens to be my best friend,i was so sad that i never knew what to do next,during my search for a way out i met a friend of mine who had similar problem and introduced me to a man who helped him with his situation,on getting to the man i discovered he was a spell caster i was shocked because i have not had anything to do with a spell caster in my entire life so i tried to give this man a chance cos i never believed in spell casting as i thought it will not work for me but to my surprise i got positive results and i was able to get my wife back from him even after the spell caster did all i discovered my wife fell much more in love with me on like before so i was so happy that i never know what to do for him so i am using this opportunity to tell anyone having similar problem visit or contact tradionalspelltemple@yahoo.com.....He will surely solve your problems temple of solution.....

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  54. My name is Tiffany Sanchez from USA My boyfriend and I were happy as far as I could tell and I never thought that we would break up. When his cousin died in a tragic car accident he went back to Philippine for a week to be with his family. I could not go because I was in the middle of entertaining out of town clients for work. He did not seem to be upset that I could not go so I let him be. The next thing that I know, he reconnected with an old friend from high school that he had a crush on years ago and they started to have an affair! I had no clue what was going on until a month after he came back from Philippine.He proceeded to see both her and I until I caught him testing her one night. I confronted him and he told me the truth about what happened. We broke up and went our separate ways. Neither of us fought for our relationship. I was angry and decided not to be upset about it and just keep it moving. Then after about a month of not speaking to him I became sad. I wanted him to tell me that he wanted to be with me and not her. I contacted Dr.Ogun for a love spell and he totally helped me! he was able to get him to miss me to where he wanted to get back together again. He had a lot of regrets and felt bad for not fighting to keep me and for cheating in general. He values our relationship so much more now and we are together now! You can also get your lover back with the help of Dr. Ogun contact him through his email: ogunspiritualspelltemple@gmail.com

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  55. Hello friends! My Name is Wendy from Canada i have had a lot about Dr Lakuta on his good work, for bringing back lost relationship but i never believe because so many spell caster scam me because of my husband who left me and three kids over a year and two months. so a good friend of mine introduce me to Dr Lakuta just because my condition was so bad and the responsibility in my matrimonial home was more than me. my husband left me to another woman just because i don't have male child for him. so i email Dr lakuta and told him everything, he told me not to worry that my husband will come back and i will have a male child for him. he only told me to believe on him that after casting the spell my husband will come back immediately and beg for forgiveness. he real did it for me and my husband come back to me in the nest two days. i was very happy and thanks dr freedom. so, i was in this situation (April 18 2014) i told Dr lakuta that i will start shearing his testimony to every one in the word if he make me to have a male child to my husband. and he also did it as am shearing this testimony to every one out dear, that am with my new bouncy baby boy. now i believe that i am the happiest woman on earth because Dr lakuta restore my life in my matrimonial home you can thank him for me or email him for urgent help in any bad situation i promise you he will also help you; his email address is lakutaspelltemple@gmail.com

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  56. My name is Jessica Luis, and I base in USA...My life is back!!! After 2 years of Broken marriage, my husband left me with two kids . I felt like my life was about to end i almost committed suicide, i was emotionally down for a very long time. Thanks to a spell caster called Dr Mohammed, which i met online. On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet,I came across allot of testimonies about this particular spell caster. Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he restores womb,cure cancer,and other sickness, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and so on. i also come across one particular testimony,it was about a woman called Sonia,she testified about how he brought back her Ex lover in less than 2 days, and at the end of her testimony she dropped Dr Mohammed's e-mail address. After reading all these,I decided to give it a try. I contacted him via email and explained my problem to him. In just 48hours, my husband came back to me. We solved our issues, and we are even happier than before Dr Mohammed, is really a gifted man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man... If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve all your problems for you. Try High monicaspiritualtemple@gmail.com anytime, he might be the answer to your problems. Here's his contact: monicaspiritualtemple@gmail.com

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  57. How I Got My Husband Back...........

    My Names is Monica Brown ,AM from United states .i never believed in love spells or magic until i met this spell caster once when i went to Africa in June last year on a business summit i meet a man called Dr Agumagu, is powerful he could help you cast a spells to bring back my love s gone misbehaving lover looking for some one to love you bring back lost money and magic money spell or spell for a good job i m now happy & a living testimony cos the man i had wanted to marry left me 4weeks before our wedding and my life was upside down cos our relationship has been on for 3 year i really loved him, but his mother was against me and he had no good paying job so when i met this spell caster, i told him what happened and explained the situation of things to him at first i was undecided,skeptical and doubtful, but i just gave it a try and in 6 days when i returned to taxes my boyfriend (is now my husband ) he called me by himself and came to me apologizing that everything had been settled with his mom and family and he got a new job interview so we should get married i didn’t believe it cos the spell caster only asked for my name and my boyfriends name and all i wanted him to do well we are happily married now and we are expecting our little kid and my husband also got a new job and our lives became much better in case anyone needs the spell caster for some help his email address: agumagulovespell@gmail.com

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  58. An amazing testimony on a spell caster who brought my wife back to me.. My name is Dani Santo,i live in United Kngdom,and I'm happily married to a lovely and caring wife,with two kids.A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago,between me and my wife.so terrible that she took the case to court for a divorce.she said that she never wanted to stay with me again,and that she didn't love me anymore.So she packed out of my house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get her back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and she confirmed it that she has made her decision,and she never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my wife.So i explained every thing to her,so she told me that the only way i can get my wife back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for her too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow her advice. Then she gave me the email address of the spell caster whom she visited.{supremetemple@hotmail.com}. So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address she gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my wife back the next day.What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my wife who didn't call me for the past seven {7}months,gave me a call to inform me that she was coming back.So Amazing!! So that was how she came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and she apologized for her mistake,and for the pain she caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster. So, i will advice you out there to kindly visit the same website {supremetemple@hotmail.com},if">{supremetemple@hotmail.comm},if you are in any condition like this,or you have any problem related to "bringing your ex back. So thanks to the Dr PAPAr for bringing back my wife,and brought great joy to my family once again. {supremetemple@hotmail.com}, Thanks..

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  59. An amazing testimony on a spell caster who brought my wife back to me.. My name is Dani Santo,i live in United Kngdom,and I'm happily married to a lovely and caring wife,with two kids.A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago,between me and my wife.so terrible that she took the case to court for a divorce.she said that she never wanted to stay with me again,and that she didn't love me anymore.So she packed out of my house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get her back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and she confirmed it that she has made her decision,and she never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my wife.So i explained every thing to her,so she told me that the only way i can get my wife back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for her too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow her advice. Then she gave me the email address of the spell caster whom she visited.{supremetemple@hotmail.com}. So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address she gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my wife back the next day.What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my wife who didn't call me for the past seven {7}months,gave me a call to inform me that she was coming back.So Amazing!! So that was how she came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and she apologized for her mistake,and for the pain she caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster. So, i will advice you out there to kindly visit the same website {supremetemple@hotmail.com},if">{supremetemple@hotmail.comm},if you are in any condition like this,or you have any problem related to "bringing your ex back. So thanks to the Dr PAPAr for bringing back my wife,and brought great joy to my family once again. {supremetemple@hotmail.com}, Thanks..

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  60. Hello friends!my name is Sarah Morgan from U.K. I have been in great pain for almost 4 years suffering in the hands of a cheating husband,we were happy and leaving well until he meant his old time girl friend and he started dating her outside our marriage before you knew it he stoped caring and taking care of his own family it was to the extent that he was planning to get married to her and divorce me his own wife, i have cried and reported him to his family but he never listened to any one but to cut my story short i came in search for a real spell caster who could destroy their relationship and make him come back to me and our 2 kids on my search i saw people making testimony on how their marriage where restored by Dr.Adolo i pick his email:permanentadolosolutiontemple@gmail.com and i narrated my story to him and he agreed to help me and after performing a spell on the second day both had a quarrel and he beat his girlfriend up and he came home begging for i and my little kids to forgive him that his eyes are clear now that he will never do any thing that will hurt his family again and promise to be a caring father and never cheat again.I am so so happy that i did not loose him to the girl. all appreciation goes to Dr.Adolo for you are a Great spell caster and to whom this may concern if you have a cheating husband or wife or you need your ex lover back again. you can as well email him on his email;permanentadolosolutiontemple@gmail.com thank you great Adolo for your help bring my husband back to me,thank you so much,thank you once again,

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  61. i want to thank this great man called drzizi for bringing back my love life, me and my boyfriend were having some issues during this last period and he told me he was no longer interested in the relationship and i was so down by this until i meant drzizi who helped me and am taking my time to tell the whole world about him you can contact him through his email;drzizitemple@gmail.com or you can give him a call +2348164509114 if you are having any issue with your relationship.
    STEPHANY
    UK

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  62. An amazing testimony on a spell caster who brought my wife back to me.. My name is Dani Santo,i live in United Kngdom,and I'm happily married to a lovely and caring wife,with two kids.A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago,between me and my wife.so terrible that she took the case to court for a divorce.she said that she never wanted to stay with me again,and that she didn't love me anymore.So she packed out of my house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get her back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and she confirmed it that she has made her decision,and she never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my wife.So i explained every thing to her,so she told me that the only way i can get my wife back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for her too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow her advice. Then she gave me the email address of the spell caster whom she visited.{supremetemple@hotmail.com}. So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address she gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my wife back the next day.What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my wife who didn't call me for the past seven {7}months,gave me a call to inform me that she was coming back.So Amazing!! So that was how she came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and she apologized for her mistake,and for the pain she caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster. So, i will advice you out there to kindly visit the same website {supremetemple@hotmail.com},if">{supremetemple@hotmail.comm},if you are in any condition like this,or you have any problem related to "bringing your ex back. So thanks to the Dr PAPAr for bringing back my wife,and brought great joy to my family once again. {supremetemple@hotmail.com}, Thanks..

    ReplyDelete
  63. AM HAPPY MY ANGEL IS WITH ME AGAIN, THANKS TO DR KEKE ODIN

    hello my name is Parker Velley i want you all to join me to thank this man for restoring my relationship with my ex lover who dump me for another Man for 5 months because the man had money, at first i never believed Dr Keke will be able to help me win Claudia back from this other other guy but because i still love her and need her back in my life, i worked and follow his instruction and it surprise me that after working with him, Claudia called me and ask me to forgive and forget the past that she still love me and that was how me and my angel came back for good. So with this great work done for me by Dr Keke of greatkekespelltemple@gmail.com i promise to always share his good work to the whole wide world and if any body is out there passing through any relationship difficulties should kindly contact him via
    email; greatkekespelltemple@gmail.com
    website; greatkekespelltemple01.webs.com

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  64. Am making this testimony to the world because of what this great man called drzizi did for me i never believed in spell casters unti i came in contact with this great man my boyfriend left me 1month ago because of another girl i was so down and felt that the world should end until i contacted drzizi who told me that i should not worry that he will come back to me and he told me all i need to do which i did and after two days my boyfriend called and told me that he was sorry for leaving me that he wanted to come back and i was so happy so am telling the world in case you are having problem with your relationship you can contact him with the following details:drzizitemple@gmail.com or call him on +2348164509114
    Rose
    Germany

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