My finger hovered over "publish comment" for a good 30 seconds before I pressed on it with my eyes closed. I decided to hit the button, because I didn't think I was the only one who felt this way, and it was embarrassing to admit, but I just had to know what people thought.
Here's what I (wince) said:
I am being ridiculously needy and superficial and immature about this, I know I am, but if I get two comments on a blog post these days it's a lot. I used to get dozens. Am I boring now? Am I asking for too much help with my projects? You can PM me if you want to give feedback that you don't want to put out there in public. It's been going on for a while now, and I have to admit (though I'm embarrassed to do so) that it's making me insecure.I have to watch the line of ego, attention seeking and people pleasing really closely, examine my motives for blogging, etc. - because those bugaboos are traps in my sobriety. I worked hard to get beyond (mostly) what people think, to stay focused on the mission or writing for myself, from the inside, regardless of the response.
Sometimes I do a really good job of that. Other times, like last night? Not so much.
Of course I received comments empathizing with how I felt, and offering suggestions, like people use FB as ways of giving feedback now, people read but don't comment as much, people read through their Google reader and it's hard to leave comments. All polite ways to put me in my place: it's SO not about you, Ellie.
I think I'm overly sensitive these days because of the new endeavors like The Bubble Hour and Shining Strong are SO important, and I'm an alcoholic and instant gratification takes TOO LONG and I want THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD to respond instantly.
That is something I have to watch closely, because in that impatience lies a drink for me. If I'm seeking validation from the outside in (as a friend gently PM'd me last night- you know who you are and thank you) - I'm looking in the wrong place and I'll never be satisfied.
I do believe in the mission of Shining Strong, The Bubble Hour and Crying Out Now from the bottom of my heart - and that is driven from the inside out. It's in my DNA, because it's how my parents raised me. So I take comfort in that, and try to forgive myself for my occasional snit-fits. The response has been amazing, and I'm SO grateful to all of you who have liked my page(s) and left testimonials and sent me encouraging words.
Sometimes? This is what it's like dealing with an addict. We can never get enough.
Last night I meditated and prayed on this, and at the end my heart felt so full. I have enough. I am enough. And it will be what it will be. I was all brave talk a few posts ago about being okay with trying and failing, but not being okay with not trying. And I feel in my heart that this is true.
I just have to keep an eye out for those bugaboos, and I have to plunk my cafeteria tray down wherever I damn well please and not be scared of acceptance.
On a logistical note? If you want to be sure you get all the updates from Facebook (where I think most people hear about posts) for Crying Out Now, One Crafty Mother, The Bubble Hour or Shining Strong it's not enough to "like" the page anymore. I found this out last night - you also have to go to each page and look for the "tool" icon (little wheel - next to the "Likes" box) and select "Add to Interests". Then you'll get all the updates, if you want to. Thanks, Facebook, for making things so complicated and making me have to come make more self-serving comments that make me itchy.
Bottom line, I guess, is that we never really shake Cafeteria Girl, do we? But we can keep moving bravely forward, tell our truth, empathize with each other instead of being embarrassed about our truths and stick together.
You guys are all at my lunch table, and I thank you for it. Truly.