Thursday, September 27, 2012
Truthful Thursday - An Artist Tells Her Truth
**A note from Ellie: every Thursday I will be posting a submission from someone writing about their shame, vulnerability or guilt. The idea of this exercise is just to write about it, in its purest form, whatever it is that you've been carrying around all by yourself. And remember - even if you can't identify with someone's particular truth, it takes GUTS to submit here, so please do comment. If you can identify, PLEASE comment, because one of the most powerful things in reducing shame is learning you aren't alone. Thank you. If you'd like to submit, please read this post here.
***Submitted by Anonymous
I am currently looking for ways to boost my career (artist, writer) and am working with an amazing creative career coach.
I just failed, spectacularly, at a task he gave me. an essay to write. a week to do it.
I should have been able to do this task, it would only have taken an hour. but no amount of false starts, promises to myself, made it happen.
I am humiliated, and fear the coach is going to dump me because I didn't try hard enough.
Deep down I think I have not tried enough, because I didn't get up every day at sit at my desk and write, even though I am on the computer half the time, I feel as though I did nothing.
I felt terrible shame (and guilt, sorry) when my elderly cat yawned and I saw she was missing a canine tooth.
I knew she needed dental work, I hadn't wanted to pay for it. I didn't really think it through, that she might be in pain.
I should have known. It broke my heart.
i don't have children, if that matters, just this elderly cat I adore more than life itself. I failed her. Maybe this is more guilt, because I didn't try hard enough. or, like my first story, I didn't make it a priority till it was really bad. perhaps I'd have felt more shame if my vet had been harsh with me about not doing it?
i don't know that there is anything useful here. Self deprecation, not shame? But it deflects shame, I think.
Also? I feel shame about feeling I need to justify how much I love my cat.
Especially when i tell people who have children.
When I'm all by myself, I feel no shame in this.