Friday, June 8, 2012

What Did You Think About Today?

What did you think about today?

Did you think about all the things you had to get done?  The endless To-Do list?

Did you miss a loved one?  Or, perhaps, love a missed one?

Did you obsess about a dark secret you've been harboring deep in your heart?

Were your thoughts full of anger, injustice and annoyance?

Or maybe love, gratitude and peace?

Did you have to fight hard to stay sober today?

Did you think about that 5 o'clock drink starting at noon?

Did you plan a trip to a fabulous beach resort?  Or did you spend some time wishing you could afford to?

Did you speak sharply to your children in "just-a-minutes" and "not-nows"?

Was your inner dialogue - the one you speak just to yourself - forgiving and loving?  Or was it full of harsh words of ineptitude, shame and not-measuring-up?

Did you take a moment to sit and put your feet up?  Just sit, motionless, for five minutes?

Did you hug your husband or significant other as you parted ways this morning?  Or did you forget?

Want to know what I thought about today?

I spent most of the day obsessively making jewelry and watching episode after episode of "Touch" on Hulu Plus, so that my brain didn't have the opportunity to think.  It passed through my mind that I forgot to kiss Steve as he went out the door, and I fleetingly thought, with a furrowed brow, of Greta's increasing headaches and sinus troubles, but mostly I tried not to think.

Until the phone rang at 3pm and I saw it was the doctor's office. Then my brain exploded into thought - answer it, don't answer it, take one more second of not knowing, have a little faith, Ellie, PICK UP THE PHONE.

It was my surgeon on the other end, and he dispensed with any and all pleasantries and simply said, "Your biopsy was clear.  Congrats.  Now go get that feeding tube out."

I hung up the phone and got down on my knees and thanked God for yet another reprieve.

And then I thought about my non-day.  How tired I am of fear, of numbing out, of hiding.  About how I vowed to Live Out Loud after I got sober, after so many years of living in the dark with a terrible secret.

I don't want to spend my days hiding anymore. Even from fear.

So I'm going to think about where my mind goes - where my thoughts take me.  I'm going to make a conscious effort to follow them along, without judgement, and learn from them.

And then I'm going to hug my family tight tight tight.


43 comments:

  1. So happy to hear the good news!

    ReplyDelete
  2. Congrats! So good to hear.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Wonderful news - hug 'em tight and maybe pop a bottle of champagne. It's good to celebreate, and even better to have a clear biopsy!

    Congratulations

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ummmm skip the champaigne - but have bubbly cider or a nice big milk shake!
      the BEST news ever on a Friday full of not so good stuff! So happy for you Ellie!
      signed, one of your MILLIONS of cyber friends who pray for you!

      Delete
  4. Ellie!!! That's fantastic!!! I am sooo happy about this!

    ReplyDelete
  5. So happy. Here's to many, many more days of love and life.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Tears.
    Thank God!
    What a gift!
    You rock!
    Peace...

    ReplyDelete
  7. I"m so freaking relieved. HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  8. WHOOT!! Great news!

    ReplyDelete
  9. So, so happy for your wonderful news!! No better way to kick off the weekend, eh?! :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. That is fabulous, Ellie!
    - Lisa

    ReplyDelete
  11. Lots of good stuff to think about in this one. Think I am going to print it out and keep it in my pocket.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Wonderful news.
    Hugs to everyone .

    ReplyDelete
  13. I have chills!! And tears in my eyes!! SO SO glad for you. SO glad.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Yeah Ellie!!!! Prayers have been answered!!!!!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Me? I had a pretty ho hum rainy day, that is until... THIS! So happy, so thankful. So love reading your words.

    ReplyDelete
  16. YAY YAY YAY YAY YAY!!!

    So happy for you...I mean really really happy.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Awesome! Wow! and thank you for the reminder.

    ReplyDelete
  18. I could hardly read the first half of this post, as I just had a feeling that you would be telling us GOOD NEWS (and I wanted to get to the GOOD part)! And I was RIGHT! Very happy for you!

    ReplyDelete
  19. Oh, that's wonderful news! So happy for you.

    XO

    ReplyDelete
  20. Oh my gosh! Ellie, that's FANTASTIC news! I think there is a collective sigh being done across your readership. Whewwww! Thank God, thank God, thank God! I'm so relieved and so happy you can move forward. I loved this post. You've inspired me to live my day differently. : ) I love you, Ellie! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
  21. What amazingly happy news! Thank you for letting us know -- you've been in my thoughts and prayers so much recently. And a beautiful post as always.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Praise the Lord! You write an amazing blog. You have been in my thoughts and prayers for a long time now. If you get time check out a web site by Byron Katie on thoughts and thinking. Works for me. Lots of love and prayers,

    ReplyDelete
  23. hey there Ellie.....I will be right there with you.

    Hugs,love and healing prayers,
    Atomic momma

    ReplyDelete
  24. So pleased for you!

    ReplyDelete
  25. best news ever. again!! so happy I could cry! xoxo Dawn B.

    ReplyDelete
  26. SO, so, very HAPPY FOR YOU! What wonderful news! I was literally holding my breath as I read this hoping and praying it was good news.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Awesome. So, so happy for you x

    ReplyDelete
  28. Wow. Best. News. This. Week... all right, Ellie, take another deep breath and we'll all be thankful together. So happy for you and for the news this brings your family.

    Namaste.

    ReplyDelete
  29. What a relief! SO, SO glad for you and your family.

    ReplyDelete
  30. WONDERFUL news. You've been on my mind all week and it was such a relief to read you're all clear. And thank you for the reminder - I am going to go hug my loved ones. xoxox

    ReplyDelete
  31. What a relief! Thank Goodness! Congrats!

    ReplyDelete
  32. That news put a huge smile on my face! Yay! I am so relieved for you....xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  33. Your writing always gives me the chills. Please don't stop.
    Congratulations Ellie! Your such a strong woman...

    ReplyDelete
  34. Fantastic. Great news!

    ReplyDelete
  35. So, so glad to hear this. Glad for how your recovery work - noticing and assessing how you respond to things - continues through it all. This is life and how we make the best of it. Carry on with joy, Ellie!

    ReplyDelete
  36. How wonderful... so much happiness! I am so happy for you and this good news!

    ReplyDelete