I think it has been building for a while. But like most quiet storms, you aren't really sure it's under your feet until the ground is unsteady.
I made it through cancer (so far). I made it through the anniversary of my Dad's death.
And I find my walls slowly crumbling around me without my permission.
I'm struck with paralyzing panic attacks (NOW?) and lack of sleep and lack of appetite and I know I need help.
I'm reaching out to local cancer support groups and recovery friends and old-time friends and anyone I can think of to, ironically, get me through this next patch.
I barely made one phone call for help during my cancer. Now that the dust is settling, I am feeling really, really fragile. Maybe this is normal? How would I ever know?
I have felt the ground undulating under my feet for a while. I thought getting the "all clear" from the biopsy would make it stop.
It got worse. The anxiety, that is.
So I'm pulling in and reaching out. I'm pulling in to to the people who know me best, who can give me advice that isn't part of One Crafty Mother and has everything to do with Ellie.
I think it may be one of those things where you can be strong when you need to be, and then when the horn sounds you collapse. I bet soldiers, and cancer survivors, everywhere know what I mean
At least I hope you do.
So I may go quiet for a while. Or I may not. I don't know. I know I need my people around me, some quiet introspective time where I actually stop typing and pick up the phone and ask for help. I'm doing that.
And, my kids. Summer starts soon. We've all been through the wringer. I have a Teddy Bear picnic in half an hour and then a play day here and all I want to do is cry and sleep.
My kids deserve more, so I am saving any extra energy I have for them.
Knowing me, I'll be back here tomorrow babbling away.
But maybe not.
Whatever this is, it's deep and rumbly and scary and I need to pay attention to it..
ALL of you, each and every one of you, has helped me in some way. Which is why it's hard to pull away for a bit. I keep wanting to say thank you. So, thank you. See you soon