Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Worry

I lean my face closer to his sleeping form and listen to his breathing.

Even through a mound of blankets I can feel the heat radiating off his back, warming my cheek.

His chest sounds clear, and I sigh in relief.

Finn is sick, and it came on suddenly.   He looked pale and disoriented when I picked him up from school yesterday, and by 4pm he was complaining of a headache and felt warm to the touch.    By 7pm he was passed out on the couch, one little fist clutching his careworn blanket, the other clutching Mr. Pricklepants, his favorite stuffed animal.


I carried him up to bed, his body limp in my arms.    Panic fluttered in my chest, even though we've been through this drill several times over the past couple of months.   

No more, I thought.    I can't do this anymore.

This morning he managed to drink a little Gatorade, and ate one cracker before zonking out on the couch again.

I tick through all I thought I was going to do today.     Figuring out a way to get to everything that needs to be done is like trying to do a puzzle with most of the pieces missing. 

Frustrated, pent-up and anxious, I pace back and forth in my kitchen. 

I'm tired of feeling behind on everything, tired of scraping together meals from the meager offerings in our pantry, tired of sending messages to customers that their orders will be later than I had hoped, tired of cancelling or begging off playdates, appointments, school, activities.  

But most of all, I'm tired of worry.

Just yesterday I was boasting to a friend that we had gone one full week with nobody sick in our house.  

I spoke too soon.

We've battled strep throat, stomach bugs, and now whatever this new illness is - the flu?  Hand, Foot & Mouth Disease?   Strep again?

I perch on the side of the couch and place my hand on Finn's warm head; beads of sweat dot his upper lip even though before he fell asleep he complained that he was freezing.   His lips are bright red, his eyes look sunken into their sockets.

Where is the line?   I wonder.   How do I know how much to worry? 

Finn opens his eyes, and it takes him a moment to focus on my face.   He gives me a half-hearted smile, blinks slowly and whispers, "Thank you for taking care of me, Momma."

I smile and kiss him on the top of his head.   "Don't worry, Bud.  I'm here."

And I am.  I am here.   I think back to days long past, thankfully, when the simple act of being present for a sick child would have sent me into a tailspin.   I'll take the worry, inconvenience, anxiety and frustration.    Even at its worst, it is so much better than hiding from myself, and my family, inside a bottle.

I stroke his hair as he drifts off to sleep, safe in the knowledge that his mother will take care of him as best she can. 

On days like today that doesn't seem like much, but it is everything.

9 comments:

  1. sweetness. thank you for a look into your life today and what goes on in your head. im so glad you got words of affirmation and gratitude from him, too.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Poor little guy. You do what you can when he is zonked out, and be with him when he's not. Order pizza for dinner and it will all work out in the end. I used to go grocery shopping after putting everyone to bed, there's no one at the store that late.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Hang in there, mama. Your customers (and everyone else) will understand. The kids come first, it's just that simple. I know how it is though, the worry, the stress of things undone, the empty fridge. Ask for help. Take it easy. You need a break, too.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Type your comment here.http://www.onecraftymother.com/2011/02/worry.html#
    it is everything. Being present used to send me into tailspin as well. I allowed myself to be consumed by my anxiety, until it became more about me than my sick kiddo.
    Thanks for writing this. Sometimes I forget how far i have come.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Oh, I hope he is better soon. It's so hard to see the little ones sick and it's hard having to deal with it too. Wishing good health soon!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Total bummer. My house is sick in misery too. =( Hope you all feel better sooN!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Awww poor little fella. Being sick is no fun.

    You are doing a great job just being mommy and being there for him. Everything else can wait.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My Husband left me for another woman, And i am so glad that my husband is back today, with the help of Dr Brave, He is Powerful and Genuine, My name is Becky Miller , I live in California,USA. I'm happily married to a lovely and caring husband ,with three kids. A very big problem occurred in my family seven months ago,between me and my husband .so terrible that he took the case to court for a divorce.he said that he never wanted to stay with me again,and that he didn't love me anymore.So he packed out of the house and made me and my children passed through severe pain. I tried all my possible means to get him back,after much begging,but all to no avail.and he confirmed it that he has made his decision,and he never wanted to see me again. So on one evening,as i was coming back from work,i met an old friend of mine who asked of my husband .So i explained every thing to him,so he told me that the only way i can get my husband back,is to visit a spell caster,because it has really worked for him too.So i never believed in spell,but i had no other choice,than to follow his advice. Then he gave me the email address of the spell caster whom he visited.{bravespellcaster@gmail.com}. So the next morning,i sent a mail to the address he gave to me,and the spell caster assured me that i will get my husband back the next day.What an amazing statement!! I never believed,so he spoke with me,and told me everything that i need to do. Then the next morning, So surprisingly, my husband who didn't call me for the past seven 9 months,gave me a call to inform me that he was coming back.So Amazing!! So that was how he came back that same day,with lots of love and joy,and he apologized for his mistake,and for the pain he caused me and my children. Then from that day,our relationship was now stronger than how it were before,by the help of a spell caster. So, i will advice you out there to kindly visit the same website { http://lovespelldrbrave.weebly.com/. } if you have any problem contact Dr Brave ,{ bravespellcaster@gmail.com }, thanks you Dr Brave, i will always be testifying about your good work.

      Delete

  8. I AM Dora Sandy i want to give thanks and i will always give thanks to Priest ina who brought back my divorce husband that has left me for 6years within 48hours,i have said about this last week but i promised to always tell people about this every weekend so that those that did not read about it last week will read about it this week,i have been looking for how to get pregnant and how to get my divorce husband back to my life because i love him with the whole of my heart,i could not replace him with any body,one day i was watching my television when i saw a lady giving thanks to priest ina and telling the world how he helped her i was so shocked i could not believe it because i never taught that there are powers that can bring back lost marriage,then that was how i decided to contact him too because i do really need my divorce husband back,when i contacted him i told him everything and he told me not to worry that my divorce husband will surely be back to me, within 48hours at first i could not believe because i was thinking how could somebody that has gone for 6years come back within 48 hours,so then i decided to watch and see,unbelievable within the next 48hours i got a call from unknown number so i pick the call the next thing i could hear was my husbands voice he was pleading and begging me on the phone that i should forgive him that i should forget all that have happened that he did not know what came over him,he promised not to leave for any reason,that he was really sorry for what he did,i was so surprised because i never believed that this could happen,so that was how i accepted his apology and the next morning he came back home to meet me and still pleading for me to forgive him i told him that everything is okay that i have forgiven him,that was how we started again and he has Chang,i promised to say this testimony in radio station,commenting this testimony that now am pregnant,but still okay before this month runs out i promise to say this in radio station and i will sir, thank you very much.World please am begging you people to try and help me thank this man for me,or if you need his help here is his email address prophetoyinbojesus@yahoo.com or you can also reach him through his mobile number,+2348074066640


    ReplyDelete