I've been thinking a lot about time, because I don't ever have enough.
November came and went in the blink of an eye. One minute we were trick-or-treating, then I blinked and we were sitting down to Thanksgiving dinner. I blink again and another week has flown by.
My life is very full at the moment - not unmanageably busy, but teetering on the edge of Too Much. My little business gets a lot bigger this time of year. I'm grateful - so grateful - that it is growing, that this may be what I do for a living when Finn is in school next year. It has gone from a something I did on the side to keep the wolf away from the door to something that materially contributes to our household's income. I haven't lost my sense of wonder that this little hobby I started three years ago has become such a creative force for me; it has surpassed my wildest dreams.
But it means I have less time for other things, like writing. My writing hobgoblin has gone on vacation again (if you have no idea what I'm talking about, click on the link). I used to have so many ideas for things to write about I would wake up in the middle of the night and furiously scribble thoughts down. Now I sit and stare at the Big White Space on my computer screen and feel totally uninspired. I can't fake it, or force it, so I'm just waiting it out. Eventually my writing hobgoblin will return from wherever hobgoblins go, and I will write again. I know I will. In the meantime my creative energies are flowing into my jewelry. I guess that's just where they are meant to go at the moment.
The other night I was clicking off lights, preparing to go to bed, when I saw a picture my daughter had drawn - one I hadn't noticed before - tacked to the bulletin board in her playroom. It sums up the way things are around here right now:
It's hard to see, so I'll provide a narrative: Greta drew herself standing at the bottom of a flight of stairs, and two little monsters are chasing her .. saying "Ekk". The Ekk monster closest to her has his little arms outstretched, ready to snatch her away. She is thinking, "Mom". And where am I? Upstairs, busy with something, and yelling down, "Coming!"
Yup. I'm busy.
It's okay, though. Last year I remember I was all twisted up about time, about balance; I felt like I wasn't measuring up on any front.
I have more acceptance this year .. at least at the moment I do. The mommy-guilt doesn't stab me as deeply. The kids are learning how to amuse themselves on their own, and I'm proud of the business I'm building.
The other day as I sat and made jewelry, they wandered into my studio. I waited for the usual requests for juice or endless questions about what we were going to do that day. Instead, they walked around my studio, admiring pieces of jewelry, passing them back and forth and talking about their favorites.
"When I grow up, I want to create," Greta said. "Maybe art. I think I would be a great artist."
"Like Momma?" Finn asked.
"Yes, just like Momma," Greta replied.
Instead of beating myself up for all the ways I'm not cutting it, for all the times I have to put them off to finish an order or talk to a customer, I'm grateful they see me as more than just the snack-fetcher, cook and chauffeur.
And when my hobgoblin gets back from vacation he's totally going to kick the Ekk monsters' asses. In the meantime, I've got jewelry to make.