When Lee mentioned this conference to me at BlogHer my first thought was: of course I'm not going. Not simply because of the time and expense involved in getting myself to LA, but because my gut chimed in to tell me I'm not a good enough blogger -- I'm too small, too inexperienced, too inconsequential. There are only 40 attendees, and the core group of organizers reads like a list of my most favorite bloggers ever. I'm in awe of these women, of their raw talent.
I'm so tired of that voice. I know in my gut she's dead wrong, but shoving her away is more difficult than I'd like to admit.
See, I love blogging. I don't know why, but I feel an embarrassed tug when I admit that out loud. I mean, what good does blogging do? How is it additive in the world? It amazes me that I prattle away here on this space about whatever is pinging around in my brain, and people come read it? Why does anybody care? Why do I care?
I know the answer, of course. I care because of the incredible people I've met, the inspiration and hope I get from reading other peoples' blogs, the healing I feel when I write, the connection I feel from comments and emails.
I'm intimidated because the women who will be going to Creative Alliance '10 represent, to me, the cream of the crop. They aren't caught up in boasting rights for readerships, they aren't in competition with each other. They cheer each other on, and have a balanced approach to what it means to be successful in this crazy space.
I want that.
Here's how the core team describes their objective for the conference:
So I'm ignoring those whispering voices. I'm going. And I'm mostly excited about it. I'm not the biggest fan of flying, so that is a challenge for me. It's so easy for me to succumb to the irrational fears: you have no business putting yourself in danger just to go to a blogging conference, what if something happens and you leave your kids without a mother? You are so selfish. THAT'S the kind of crazy that lives in my head.
But it's far too easy to take the cheap, easy, fearful way out. In all aspects of my life I'm trying not to be driven by fear, but by hope.