Friday, May 7, 2010

Subject: One Crafty Mother. Diagnosis: Human

Progress Report
Subject:  One Crafty Mother
Date:  Mother's Day 2010
File Number:  404RTFM*

The following is the Parenting Committee's Annual Pre-Mother's Day Progress Report.    Subject is a 40 year old mother of two impressionable young humans:   Greta, aged 7 and Finn, aged 4.    She shares parenting responsibility with male subject Steve, File Number: 143MWAH.    Also under their care:  one elderly canine, six chickens and one teddy bear hamster.   

SOCIAL/LANGUAGE SKILLS:   Subject plays well with others.   Her verbal communication is usually clear, and she uses her words nicely.   However, the committee would like to remind Subject that "crap" is technically a bad word, and spelling S-H-I-T is no longer a viable alternative to swearing.  The Committee recognizes that social occasions without alcohol can be trying, and commends Subject for her skill in small talk without the assistance of any intoxicant.     Areas for improvement include increased tolerance for multiple interrogatives, even when delivered by both children simultaneously.   "Because I just don't freaking know, that's why!" is not an acceptable response to questions, no matter how inane they are or how frequently they are asked.  

COGNITIVE ABILITY:   Committee acknowledges that Subject was once quite skilled in academics and business.    Subject would be well advised to brush-up on more applicable topics.  Some of these are as follows:

  1. Imaginary Play:    Child expects a realistic imitation of a canine, not a half-hearted "woof".  This requires physical skill and agility, including but not limited to crawling on hands and knees and sniffing butts.  

  2. Repetitive Humor:   Knock-knock jokes are a valuable part of a child's development, and Subject should be aware that failure to respond "who's there?", no matter how many times it is required, could lead to permanent emotional scarring.    

  3. Reasoning:   This area requires significant improvement.     Subject is reminded that she is, in fact, in charge.   The Committee acknowledges that the children have youth and determination working in their favor, but Subject should be able to employ superior reasoning skills.  "Because I said so," and "I'm  the Mom, that's why," will not be effective responses in the future.

  4. Memory:   Subject is diagnosed with a severe case of CRM.    There is no long term cure for this affliction, and Subject should start writing everything down.     For those unfamiliar with the disease, it strikes people after the age of 35 or after childbirth, whichever comes first, and means "Can't Remember Shit."
ORGANIZATIONAL:    Improvements in the area of memory (see above) should improve Subject's limited skills in this area.   Recommended Plan of Action:   inspect the contents of the childrens' backpacks on a daily basis, read and follow through on all notices, bulletins and permission slips.   Subject should not continue to rely on social mediums such as Facebook to stay up to speed on all relevant activities.    Facebook status notifications like those dated March 18, 2010:  "Help!  Did I miss soccer registration?"  and April 21st:  "Why are there so many cars in front of the elementary school - did I miss a memo?"  are ineffective and potentially embarrassing.

DISCIPLINARY:   While subject has made significant strides in this area, improvement in Organization (see above) will decrease last minute rushing about, necessitating the use of empty threats, pleading, and lack of follow through.   These are generally considered ineffective disciplinary tactics.    The Committee commends Subject's attempts at reward-based parenting (although Committee observed that the "Yelling Jar" resulted in contributions only from Subject and not from children).   

CONCLUSION:   Subject is a loving, active and involved parent who clearly loves her children.    Daily quotas of hugs, kisses, giggles and general ridiculousness are always met.    Committee wishes to remind Subject that she is only human, and advises Subject to keep her chin up, because she is doing the best she can.

*404 - for all you coding geeks
*RTFM - one for all you crazy texters.   Google it if you don't understand. 


  1. I LOVE this post. And yes, you are very very human.

  2. You ARE doing the best you can and we've all got your back.
    When my children were little if everyone was happy (and fed!) at the end of the day, then my job was done. Everything else could wait for another day. Or year.
    (Happy Mothers Day for Sunday)

  3. You are so hilarious! Great post...and by the way, if I were graded on my "imaginary play" the marks would be very low. Happy Mother's Day!

  4. I love this post. How very clever...and yes, I needed the help of Google.

  5. Are you sure that report is for you - not me? Thanks for the good laugh and the reminder about being human!

  6. I agree with Trish. I thought your committee might have made a visit to my house. Surviving a dinner filled with variations of Knock Knock, Orange, and Banana requires super human skills. I don't care who you ask! And WHY do we complicate our lives with furry (or feathered) animals? You are one awesome and hilarious human!