I have to come clean, though, and admit that I don't understand half of what is going on on any given day. I'm not hip. Do they still say hip?
Confession #1: I don't know how to text. I've never texted (okay, once I did, under duress, and it took me half an hour to type one sentence). Occasionally one of my friends will forget I live in the dark ages and will send me a text. My phone makes this strange beeping sound, and words - WORDS! - appear on the screen. I run around a lot flapping my arms in excitement, but I don't know how to text them back. Even if I did know how to text, I don't know the 'code', or the 'jargon' or whatever the hell it's called. Until about three months ago I honestly thought BFF meant something really, really dirty. And I thought FML meant something sweet and nice. See? I'm a lost cause. If you had to Google FML to figure out what it means - call me. We can start a support group.
Confession #2: I don't know what Bluetooth means. I know it's something cool, important people have which makes me want some Bluetooth, just on principle, but I have no idea what it is.
Confession #3: While we're on the topic of technology, please don't make me talk about computers, ever. I went out to research laptops recently. A kid literally one-third my age was asking me how many 'gigs' I wanted, and if I was interested in 'hyperweave' technology. "Gigs, yeah, gigs. Cool. Yeah, get me some of those," I stammered. "I basically just need it for typing," I admitted. "Do people still call it typing?" He looked at me like I had lost my mind, so I tried to cover with a little humor. "Can I listen to albums on it?" "Is it compatible with my hearing aid?" He didn't laugh, but he did speak a little louder.
Confession #4: I don't watch LOST. I've never seen it, because it's premise is based on a plane crash, and that is all I need to know about it. I don't do plane crashes. Speaking of television, I've never seen 'Glee', or 'Heroes', or '30 Rock'. Since we're being honest, here - want to know my favorite show that isn't Celebrity Rehab? Dancing With The Stars. Go ahead - de-friend me or unfollow or do whatever it is you have to do. I just can't pretend anymore.
Confession #5: Twitter makes me nervous. I feel such pressure. 140 characters or less? Seriously? Also, I don't get enough validation on Twitter. I put some little 140-character-or-less message out into Twitterdom, and then I refresh over and over like a junkie wondering if anyone will reply. Did I do it right? Is anyone out there? At least on Facebook people freaking answer me. I am way too needy for Twitter. I'm Tweedy. If you want to keep me from the depths of humiliation and despair give a little shout-out (do they still say shout-out?) to @onecraftyellie. Who knows, the life you save may be mine.
But all is not lost. I can rock Facebook like nobody's business. I finally know what people are talking about when they say "there's an app for that". I will occasionally say "FAIL" or "WIN". Besides, I read somewhere that Mood Rings and Lava Lamps are making a comeback. So I just need to sit tight. I was way cool in the seventies.