In the interest of understanding why I am nearly insane at the end of the day, today I made note of what took place trying to get to the post office. Of course, it is 4:40pm and I have to get there by 5pm to mail jewelry orders. The post office is 6 minutes away. It went exactly like this:
"C'mon guys, get your shoes on, we have to go to the post office!" I say, innocently enough.
Between my kitchen and the front door:
Greta: "I can't find my crocs, do I have to wear shoes?"
Finn: "Can we stop and get candy?"
Me: "Wear any old shoes, and no, no candy"
Greta: "I hate my sandals, they hurt my feet. I'm not going"
Me: "Fine. Don't wear shoes. But you'll have to wait in the car. No, no candy"
Greta: "FINE. I'll wear my sandals, but I'm going to need band-aids for all the blisters."
Finn: "I ready Momma!"
Me: "Finn, you cannot wear my high heels to the store ... where are your sneakers?"
Finn: "I don't wanna wear shoes either!"
Me: "GET YOUR SHOES ON NOW!"
Between the door to my house and the car:
Greta: "Its MY turn to sit behind Momma!"
Finn: "NO! Its MY turn!"
Me: "What does it matter? Get in the car!!"
Greta: "But the window doesn't go down on the other side - its my turn to sit behind you!"
Me: "Oh for crying out loud. Finn you sit behind me on the way there and Greta on the way back and I don't want to hear any more about it. FINN! What are you wearing? I said you can't wear Momma's shoes... oh, forget it, I'll carry you in."
While in the car:
Me: "Finn, stop putting the window up in down - that is why the other one doesn't work."
Finn: "Don't talk to me!"
Greta: "Mom have you ever broken any bones?"
Me: "Finn don't talk back - its rude."
Greta: "Have you, Mom?"
Me: "Have I what?"
Greta: "You never listen! Have you ever broken any bones?"
Finn: "See Mom? I can put it up and down and its not breaking!"
Me: "STOP IT FINN. No, I have never broken any bones."
Greta: "But you said you had a cast on your foot once."
Finn: "I see the store! I want candeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!"
Me: "No, no candy. I had a cast for a pulled tendon."
Greta: "What's a tendon? Do I have them too? Do they break a lot?"
Finn: "Sissy your Pokemon card just went out da window."
Greta: "AHHHHHHH! MOM! STOP! MOMMMMMMMMMMMM!"
Me: "We can't stop, I have 2 minutes to get there before it closes."
Finn: "Can I put this one out the window too?"
Greta: "WAHHHHHHHH!! We have to go back!! WAHHHHH!"
We manage to get there with one minute to spare. I have to schlep Finn in on my hip (the kid weighs almost 45 lbs) because he won't wear shoes, and Greta is still crying about her Pokemon card. But we made it.
One the way home from the post office:
Greta: "I'm not speaking to anyone ever AGAIN!"
Finn: "I don't want to grow up."
Greta: "Did you hear me Momma? I said I'm not speaking to anyone ever again!!"
Finn: "I don't want to grow up, because I don't want hair in my armpit. Dat's gross."
Greta: "You don't even CARE! I said I'm not speaking to anyone ever again!!"
Me: "Okay, you don't have to speak, that is fine. Wait ... Finn, what did you say?"
Finn: "Shhhh, Momma. I talking to my armpit. DON'T GROW HAIR, OKAY?"
Greta: "You care more about Finn's armpit than you do about ME!"
It is this last statement that puts me over the brink - my tenuous hold on sanity breaks. So I grip the wheel tighter and try to go to my happy place. I picture myself on a warm sunny beach, the sound of gentle waves .. birds chirping, a gentle breeze ....... it is no use. My son is talking to his armpit and my daughter isn't speaking at all (wouldn't it be nice if she would actually follow through on this threat? Just once?). Only two and a half hours to go until they go to bed.